The highs and lows of this yellow brick road is something I haven’t seemed to figure out or grasp yet. The ups and downs of this sport are on the same level as trying to figure out a math problem. You have no idea where to start and how to find the solution. They tell me the solution is train times train equals win.....but sometimes the answer doesn’t come out the right way. I let you down and myself, and for that I am sorry. What happened? I jerked the bar above my head with everything I had. The wining lift was there for a split second before it came crashing down right in front of my eyes. As the weight hit the platform an earthquake took place, I felt my whole world tumbling around me. As the bar was over my head I remembered thinking to myself that I did it, I remember how happy I was for that half second....that was a great half second. But then my smile turned to dirt and dust as the bar fell in front of my face in slow motion like a piece of paper being dropped from a high building. The bar dropping reminded me of the end of a movie, as it fell it erased the audience into black, it killed my vision, it destroyed my fans.
Can we make a deal? I promise you I will train harder than ever if you don’t leave me. Will you stay if I keep fighting? I can’t promise you I will win every meet, but I can promise you I will be at everyone giving it my all, and fighting for myself and the Attitude Nation. I hope I don’t lose you, I love writing to you and chatting with you throughout this crazy journey of weightlifting. This blog is the only thing that keeps me sane, without it my training would suffer. I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart; you have no idea how bad I feel. I have let you all down, and I am struggling to get back on the horse and find my identity again. I havnt slept in days, and my mind is being very hard on me. My tears have fallen and my hands hurt from wall punching. The "if only's” are attacking me, and I can’t seem to get away from the hell they are putting me in. I have a few pretty good excuses that I tell myself so I can feel better, but those are just cop outs. My forehead is bruised from knocking my head back and forth against the wall. And the talking to myself is getting much worse; I am sometimes worried I am losing it. If you stay with me it would mean the world to me, and shit, if you want the bronzes and the silver I will still send them to you.
The road continues, and the witches will always be out there, but I must keep training. I must keep competing. I will still be in the corner of my gym leashed to the platform training for whatever meet is around the corner. I am there when you need me, and there to do what I love, I am there always ready to put myself on the line and go for Gold. I am a weightlifter, win, lose, tie, Olympics or no Olympics, I lift weights over my head and I love doing it. I will not give up; I will not let this depression take me down like the Titanic. I am a fighter not a quitter, we are winners, and winning is what we will do. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but some day, some time I will win again and stand tall. I have always said that weightlifting is like dating, it’s a numbers game. If you ask 100 girls out, one will say yes. Same with weightlifting, I will be at every fucken meet there is, I am bound to win a few more! I refuse to let a medal tell me who I am. We wake up every day and we attack life, no matter what. We are not Rob Adel, we won’t quite, and I will never walk out on you.
Brian Drescher is my role model; I hope I can be like him when I get older. I truly admire his outlook on life. I will still be lifting weights doing what I love with a proud smile on my face like Brian. His swagger is awesome, his bravery to be what he wants is motivational, and he helps me when I get down, so thank you Brian.
I have wanted to write to you the last few days, but I couldn’t get the courage to talk to you with the state of mind I have been in. Depression is an understatement, and the prison my mind has locked me in wont seem to let me out. I was to depressed and worried about what you now think of me. Time is a great cure though, and I started to realize that we are like family, and family is always there for each other, so thank you.
You guys should have seen all the Attitude soldiers that were there at nationals. Everywhere I went handshakes, salutes, pictures, and autographs. There was USA weightlifting and then us slowly taking over. Even after the meet was over and the Bronze and Silver were around my neck, you were all still there. We are growing and fast. I was shocked at how many people saluted. A top weightlifter was sitting next to me seeing this happen, and he looked over at me and said "shit North, this is almost getting scary". lol, I said scary no, fucken awesome, yes.
I will be writing daily again about training for the Pan Am Championships in Mexico in 6 months. The journey will continue, and the Olympics are still in my reach. I just need to come out of my depression and figure out the math problem. Train times Train equals slam bars. talk to you tomorrow my friend.
Pan Am Championships 2012
Get back on the horse 2012
Attitude Nation 2012
PS: Thank you to the guy that was helping loading my weight in the back room. I never got a chance to shake your hand and tell you thank or even get your name. So thank you.