I need a coffee like I need to win the Olympics. I need a coffee like I need to break the American records. I need a coffee like I need coach to call in sick one day so I can finally rest. Damn I need a coffee. Training has been hell, shit....training is always hell. I remember in College there would be days that I would just lay around all day and play video games...heaven. Now its barbell in front of my face, barbell in my hands, barbell on my back and even in my head. This fucken barbell follows me around everywhere, now that I found my bar I am almost wishing it would float away from me again. Maybe I shouldn't have wrote the "red Balloon".
Train train, that's all I know these days. It's almost like I have forgotten who I am. I sometimes sit in the gym watching other people come and go thinking I am missing out on life. Am I? Then I am woken up from coach telling me to lift the barbell, that fucken barbell. I don't know if that barbell is my friend or my enemy, Sometimes I don't want to lift, sometimes I want to go play outside. I slammed the bar down at nationals winning me the national tittle, and making the Pan Am games all in one lift, but for some reason I didn't feel the same joy and accomplishment that I did last year at the Arnold. If you youtube my name you will find me winning the 2010 Arnold and putting me on the USA team for the Pan Am Championships. That moment was the best moment in my whole career, possibly life. But why not this year, you would think that this years nationals would have brought me much more happiness. I kept looking for the rush of joy, I thought it would come any minute. It never did. Maybe my first coach Jackie Mah was right, she always said that "its the climb up that will be your best moments in this sport, the top will never feel the same." I now understand what she means.
I have a long ways to go in this journey, but the higher I climb the more dark it gets, the less excitement I have, the less I yell, slam bars and call weightlifters names out before lifting. Maybe I have let people's negative comments get to me without me even knowing. Maybe The bar is just set higher, or maybe reality has kicked in, that I could make an Olympic team. Its weird how you want something so bad, and you fight for it for so long, but once it is in reach you hesitate to grab it. I am like an act that is getting old. The show is dying and the people are leaving. You are once a breath of fresh air, you are the crowd favorite, you are the talk of the group. Intel time goes by and you succeed, the hype goes way down, the bets start to turn else where and you are just another top weightlifter sat next to by the other top weightlifters. Now I am categorized, jumping Jonathan North is dead, UN original, just another. Maybe this is why I was not more excited lately. I will watch others laugh and fool around in the gym all day, while I am leashed to the platform. I am fine with that, they can do what they want. I have coach to talk to and my team mates who seem to come and go over the years. I will still be here, training away, in my corner. If you want to find the old race horse, the old act, the old show, I will be in the back of the gym with coach Pendlay. see you there someday. Champ 2012