I wish I could slam other things rather than bars. I am tired of only slamming bars, there are so many other things I would love to slam. Maybe the reason why I slam bars is because I imagine slamming other things. Maybe the hate, sadness, and frustration drive me to slam bars. I want my father back, I miss my dad. I wish after I slam the bar glass would shatter everywhere, and the crystals would fly away and never come back. I wish when I slam the bar that the white powder would be sweeped away by the wind to never be found again. One day I want to slam a bar so hard that my dad would be released from the hell the devil has put him in. I wounder if that could ever happen?
I wish the bar would take me back to the blue house, the black Lexus, the big offices of Nextel, movie theaters, gas station stops, hotel rooms, soccer games, working out together at Bali's, space Nettle, home videos. I wish the bar was a time machine. I wish the bar could kill what I wanted it to. I wish the bar would do what I said. I wish the bar was my magic bar. I wish the bar would bring my dad to see me lift, I think he would be proud of me and what I am doing with my life. I know he wanted me to get into the business world, the happy hour world, the people world. But who knows, maybe he would have preferred this lifestyle I live in. I go back and forth from sad to mad, I have found that it's very hard to control my emotions.
I slam the bar with hate, hate towards drugs, hate towards my dad choosing drugs over my mom and I. Hate towards alcohol and what it has don to me, hate towards myself for the person I can sometimes become, hate towards my past and the things I did. Sometimes I slam bars and I have no idea what I am hateing, but its there in the back of my throat. My emotions are a roller coaster that has lost all controll, and they take me over like a great dane being walked by a small child. Maybe if I keep slamming that bar my dad will come watch me lift, or just hang out with me. I will fucken slam the bar with all the hate and frustration I have in me because that's what makes me feel better, that's what keeps me balanced, and who are you to tell me to stop? who are you to tell me how to act and live my life? I get crazy because it takes me out of reality, I don't need drugs to get lost, I have weightlifting, I have this gym. I cant control my relationship with my dad, but I can control makeing international teams, wining national championships and sometime soon grabbing that American record by the throat and riping its head off.
I don't care what any body thinks, If you don't like me slamming bars than I will slam you, if you don't like my attitude than screw you, I am tired of looking for approval. I am tired of asking, waiting in line, putting my hand out and getting no hand to shake back. I stopped being the sheep, being peoples background noise and view. I walk away from there group and I will chain the doors to California strength, close the blinds and slam my bars all day and night. I am a monster, I am not normal, I will hide away in my gym, drink my coffee in the green jungle and be happy.
Call that glass your son, play catch with it and buy it pop and candy at the gas station. Have fun with your new family, I wish you didn't feel the way you do towards me, but I will be just fine. I have my new family out hear, I have my bar. -Champ 2012