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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Cut grass and Cold Lemonade

The moldy teddy bear wrapped around her broken heart, as the small little girl squeezed the air right out from his lungs full of stuffing.  Her tears became his, as they both sat in their own abandonment......their own sorrow, their own closet full of skeletons.  The salt that leaked from her scars made the teddy bear become that much more human, as the salt seeped through his old dusty skin.  Lost and afraid, empty and dark, lonely from the backs of so many that have walked away, as the little girl and her teddy bear stayed cemented down on the squeaky cot they both called home.  No sign of hope, besides the nighttime flicker from each other's eyes, as they hope to awake in each other's arms once again.  The clacking sound of silverware to plates echo the mess hall as the other children and their teddy bears eat with sorrowful eyes and long hair that drapes into the food, as they stir the colorless and odorless food in front of them with smooth long circles like a long stick on a glassy lake.  Walking back to their room carries no drive to look up and out the windows that beg their attention.  The sun piercing through only covers their bodies with warmth, as their naked feet slap against the cold floor.  The windows are only a reminder of what not to come, of how alone they truly are.  The little girl sits outside of her room like a guest awaiting pick up after a long meal.  For she is no guest, she is here to stay, and her ideas are here to die.

The girls in the rooms down the hallway used to play with one another throughout the hallways and corridors.  Now the silent tapping of the rain above their heads makes up for the sound of laughter and taunting.  Missing her once adapted family only makes the cold night worse, as memories and feelings make her tiny cot feel like a bed full of thorns that cut her skin and dagger her heart.  Once someone listened to her, once someone shared their ideas and dreams as she did with them. Once someone related to her ambitions and thoughts, once someone told her everything was going to be okay.  Now her teddy bear does all the speaking, as his eyes close her cuts and his soft fur stops the bleeding.

9 years old now, and with every chatter of her teeth, a minute of her life dies in her hands.  The thought of not trying, not opening doors, not turning the corner to see what lays around the bend makes her teeth grind while she pulls out her hair one rip at a time.  The older she gets the less her teddy bear speaks, the less his love affects her.  Her sadness has been replaced with hate, and her teddy bear has been replaced by inflicted pain onto herself and to those whose backs face her everyday from this small enclosed cell barred deep amongst others.  A crunch of gravel and a small chuckle outside of her glass window made her think what it would be like to live outside of the walls of this fostered flustered camp that imitates emotions of happiness that soon becomes drowned by black spider blood and left behind wax from the on-slaughter of false reality and an inception of normalcy amongst kids soon to be adults. Adults they will soon become, and the real world they will soon meet, face to face, teddy bear or no teddy bear.......the smell of cut grass and the taste of real food awaits her behind the tall black fence.  But will she be ready?  Will she really know what to do when released from this government prison called home?  Her dirty feet tap against the cold concrete floor of her room as she reached for her teddy bear for the first time in years.  Right away she regretted not spending more time with him, she felt awful for her abandonment of him, like the world to her.  His smell reminded her of Christmas spent in the library down below, as they played dolls together and rolled in the opened wrapping paper.  His old but soft brown fur felt smooth and warm against her cheek.  As she began to rock with wide eyes and thoughts the felt closer to reality than ever before.  Her teddy bear whispered in her ear, "Run like magic, turn this floor into cut grass, your water into cold lemonade, and your thoughts and ideas into dreams you can touch and feel....... RUN!"  

The teddy bear's eyes seemed to break the stitches that kept him together.  His soft chest became hard and strong, and this time his salty tears feel deep below him, crashing onto her cold feet, making them warm and ready for take off.  She sprung up so fast the teddy bears arm almost ripped out from his body.  Magic leaves appeared around her like a twisting tornado made her body run faster, and everything around her scurry out of the way.  Her black long hair covered her face, as her teddy bear guided the way down the long hallway full of rolling beds, closed doors, flickering lights, and bloody hearts beating but broken and hanging from the ceiling and bouncing up and down throughout the floor of the hallway.  There was blood everywhere, the closer she got to the doorway where she could hear the chuckles and lawn mower cutting grass, the more blood filled the hallway.  Red blood turned into black as she slipped and fell into a pool of twisted veins and spider webs made up of blood vessels from her own body.  Crying echoes rang aloud as the other kids jiggled the door knobs trying to release themselves from their rooms.  She found her body wanting to stay, but her teddy bear and her mind wanting to leave and fast.  She tried her hardest to open the doors to let her fellow broken hearted sisters out from their cages, but the doors didn't have a handle for her to open them, all she could do was listen to her once self bang against the medal door crying out for help.  She stood there while the banging increased, the blood raised, and her teddy bear loosened his grip from her hand.  The two swinging doors were swinging open and closed from the cool wind that whistled freedom and creaked words of happiness and love.  She was at a crossroad, free herself while the others died from the pool of broken hearted blood rising higher and higher soon about to drown everyone with no hopes of the outside world.....or stay and die with the others she has called her family for so long.  She looked down upon her now bloodied teddy bear, while a tear fell from her eye to his, she told him that she loved him and always will, and that he is her true family, he his her true heart, that he is her cut grass and cold lemonade.  He smiled back and re-gripped his hand tight around hers, showing comfort and strength.  She took one of the empty soup cans that was floating past her waist from the blood river that seemed to be rising faster than she thought.  She handled the soup can just right so the sharp edge would expose the vein down the crease of her elbow.  She took a deep breath, gave her teddy bear one last look, and then slid the sharp edge violently through her bulging vein....................

Blood poured out like a waterfall in the child hood books she used to read.  But nothing happened.  She was not light headed, not dizzy, not falling asleep......she.....well......she felt fine. The blood stopped from her body becoming empty.  The river of blood slowly crept back down her legs, draining out from somewhere in the dark cold government building where her sisters now laid quietly behind their bedroom doors.   Her teddy bear with his eyes closed, and his grip loose and fragile.  All she could hear was her loud breathing.  All she could see was normalcy coming back into the picture.  Fog from her breath captured her line of sight, as her arm not only felt fine, but the cut was all together gone and somehow healed.  She then realized she has been dead the whole time.  The End.

Accept the darkness, accept the hell, accept there are more bad days than good, and you will succeed in this sport of weightlifting.

I'm back 2016


  1. Fuck! ...Sorry Travis but, Fuck! that was heavy Jon. Beautiful. I felt like I was staring, mesmerized, watching it all unfold through the little barred window in the thick wooden door of one of the cold cells, neck deep in blood. The End indeed.

  2. That took me to a dark place and back. Time seemed to stand still while I read this.