Wolf

I lift weights to blanket the pain.  Every weight I lift lifts my middle finger higher and higher for all to see.  See this Oregon, see this finger middle school bully, see this teacher, see this hater, do you see this weight above my head counselor?  See how much it is?  Look... no Ritalin. You can't drug me up now.  What do you know about my parents and their divorce?  Nothing.  See how I have the world over my fucken head, and how I'm about to slam it? Well, this is what I think about their divorce. This is how I feel.  I slam it while blood drains from my veins and I scream at the dark trees that look like monsters at night.  You know when you were a kid, they were damn scary.  Monsters that I would gladly take over the ones I met later on in life.  Slam it down while I cry an ocean, downing all.   See who I am now, and what I have done?  No sir, no ma'am, no more room 2 for me.  No more special classes and pats on the back for me. This outcast now slams bars for a living.  All day, all damn day long.  I don't want to attend your party. I should have never attended your party in the first place, it's the worst memory I have, and it haunts me to this day.  I have my own party now, a big fucken party with lots of people, people who slam bars with me, throw chalk in their eyes and bleed all over the bar with me.  My new home away from home.  A camp ground of emotional basket cases who hold on tight while our bar takes us through a land called candy.  A hold my hand land, and enter hell with me land.  Fuck who you were in the past land, and let's lift this weight land, making us better people land.  A Johnny Cash land of AC UP WINDOWS DOWN LAND! No more backing down to the bully.  No more backing down to society.  No more walking their line, talking their talk, and listening to their bar low expectations.  See me now, for I am a wolf.  A giant hungry wolf who strays the land with other giant hungry wolfs.  Wolfs who eat sheep, sheep like you home town.

I mix my coffee in this room where I write to you while my legs shake from today's training.  As the bar keeps rising and Americans get closer, I find myself drinking more and more coffee.  More and more smokes as I pace my deck outside.  My body has these random twitches that I can't seem to control, and  have no real understanding of what they are.  I find myself going to bed later and later for no real apparent reason.  The negativity that leaks off the websites and forums keeps me from getting online.  There is always hype coming from a new lifter. I don't care, and I don't want to know.  They come and go.  I will be at Americans and I will lift what coach tells me to lift.  I wake up earlier and earlier sitting outside on my deck.  My deck has become my new hang out spot, and again.... I have no idea why.  Maybe I feel hidden out there, away from it all.  Or maybe it's to attempt to collect my thoughts of what the hell has happened to me the last few years.  Getting to know and understand this new man can be very hard and taunting.  I like me now. I like the man I see now, and getting to know him has been a pleasure.

I squat low to stay hidden from my past demons.  I move fast to stay 10 steps away from the smoke filled motel rooms.  My up all night eyes are now wide open from up all day training.  Crushed Vicodin has been replaced by chalk, and rooms full of skeletons have been replaced by friends and family aka weight room warriors.  Strong s.o.b's and even stronger minded.  Hot or cold, this is how I have lived my whole life. I have never been in the middle.  Now I am all in and all out crazy with the weights.  I guess this dreadful problem I have had my whole life paid off, funny how that works.  Funny how one minute all you want is a drink, and the next is a bar.  One day you want a hit, and the next you want a win.  It's interesting to me how you can change so fast that it takes time for you to get to know you.  Salute.

My Deck 2016