Candyland

I have been trying to write this blog for the last 4 days, but nothing has come of it.  I have written full pages and then deleted them with just one click, followed by a forehead against the top of the table.  I have thrown my coffee across the room in pure frustration.  I have stared at this computer screen for hours upon hours while emotions enter my body, and then leave too fast for me to catch them to write down.  I usually have a certain feeling, a certain emotion while writing.  I usually have a certain idea and understanding of what I am writing and why, but this blog has imprisoned me from expressing how I really feel.  But the crazy thing is I don't know how I feel.  I am like you.  I want to know how I feel about the move to South Carolina.  I want to know how I am taking it, what I think about it, and if I am excited or sad.  I thought this was going to be one of my best blogs yet.  A topic I could really dig my teeth into, and destroy the key board with emotions and energy.  I imagined myself slamming coffees and typing like I was directing a symphony.  I imagined tears, smiles, and laughs.  But my emotions lie six feet under, as I stand over their tombstone with a black umbrella and an extra dark coffee.

I write to you inside the green jungle while the dark outside rains and storms.  It's a cold time in my life; I guess the outside weather reflects that.  I feel lost even though I am on the correct path.  I am confident and happy with what lies ahead, and with the decision I made to follow coach, even though I occasionally turn my head around looking back at Cal Strength. The sun at times peeks through the dark clouds hitting the window by my table, shining through my coffee making it look much lighter brown than she really is.  I then get excited about the move.  I am right now.... excited.  Yes, I can tell you that for sure as my fingers click against these black keys.  It's amazing how sunny it just became outside, and that's not a metaphor.  The day has literally pulled a 180.  Wow, this is crazy.  I must follow training.  I must do whatever it takes to make this Olympic team.  But you know all this.  I try hard to write to you with originality.  You don't want to hear the corny cheesy "yes I must train hard no matter what" talk.   We are just alike, so you know why I am moving and what I need to do.  This blog goes deeper than the "you can do it" bullshit.  The dark orchestra explores the lifestyle of a weightlifter deep down in the dark bottom of the ocean where we live.  A world where the rest of the population has know idea we even exist, and the few that do throw us off to the side and then proceed to call us freaks.  The sun has come and gone, and now the dark clouds have swept back over my coffee table.  Now my smile has vanished, as I drink more coffee with wondering eyes, not sure of really much.  I used to call this place home, but now I feel as if I am just another Joe visiting as they take my money for each refill I buy.  It's funny how comfortable you get with your city and surroundings.  I could sleep right on the sidewalk and wake up just like I was in my own bed.  I know everyone by name at almost every damn store in San Ramon.  But now I am just another customer, now I am just another schmuck that will be replaced with another caffeine addicted athlete like myself.  I might not delete this draft, I kinda like it.  I don't really know if it makes a whole lot of sense or has any sort of direction or topic, but I think it does.  I think this explains everything about the move.  A confused mixture of feelings that are blended together with a smiling sun and a crying cloud.  They both follow me around pulling me to one side or the other.

My life has turned from Candy Land to Kilo Land.  I am following the colorful kilo dots throughout the board game of life.  Jumping over, ducking under, eating with the licorice lady in her dark scary mansion, but then plumping up at miss brownies' house for some laughs and fun.  Muscle Driver USA is the final destination, that's where the princess lives with her shiny crown.  That's where the training is, so I must go.  I love you Cal Strength, I really do.  You will never know how much you mean to me, and how you saved me three years ago.  Thank you for everything you have done for me.  Thank you for giving me a home when I was homeless.  I will always be a Cal Strength Soldier.  I will always bleed blue and white.  I am a weightlifting robot, and my maker is Cal Strength.  This is not goodbye Cal Strength, this is see you later. 

My teammates have already left, as I wait another few days in San Ramon because of a seminar in Arizona that the Attitude Nation is teaching on the 9th. The drive across the Country will be amazing.  I will write to you throughout my journey, letting you in on my experiences and stories.  I am so glad that know matter where I go in life, all I have to do is open my laptop, climb into the computer screen, slide down the slide and land with you in the Dark Orchestra.  Cheers, and I will see you tomorrow.

The Dark Orchestra 2016